My hope in writing the following post is to share our story about facing a traumatic birth and coping with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Postpartum Depression so that it may help someone else out there who is having a similar struggle.
There is no need to suffer in silence. There are many resources out there in communities and online to help families through these difficult times. It is never too late to reach out and get help.
Please note that the following post does have some detail that may be difficult for some readers. I
did not include all of the detail of our traumatic experience since some of it is not appropriate to share in this venue.
did not include all of the detail of our traumatic experience since some of it is not appropriate to share in this venue.
Exactly one year ago today was the most traumatic yet joyful day of my life. It was the day our little nugget arrived three weeks before her due date. To say she arrived differently than we had planned is an understatement. Instead of the peaceful home birth we had envisioned, we had a traumatic emergency c-section.
It was a Sunday afternoon and I was resting after doing some easy painting in our house. I began to bleed heavily so we called our midwife who directed us to immediately go to the hospital. We raced into town to the hospital emergency room.
I was trying to stay positive, hoping it was only something minor that could be stopped and we could go home. At the worst I thought maybe I would get sent home on bed rest until closer to our due date.
When I first heard I needed to have a c-section, I knew by the dramatic change in mood in the medical professionals in the room that this was not the average c-section. We were told this was going to be a high risk surgery with possibility for complications that may result in me not surviving. We were told that had I gone into labor at home, there was a good chance that our baby and I both would not have survived.
Never before in my life had I faced a situation where I was told I might die. Up until that point I was holding it together fairly well, but when I heard those words the dam broke and the flood of tears came. “I’m not ready to die” I kept thinking. Here I was on the brink of a new chapter in my life, being a mama, and the thought of not being able to live to see our baby was too much for me to bear.
I was rushed into the operating room and given an epidural. I was so focused on the fact that I was facing a very serious surgery that I didn’t think for even a second there could be any other complications. As we waited for the epidural to take effect, the anesthesiologist repeatedly did skin checks on me to see if I could feel sensation on either side of my body.
I continued to feel sensation on one side of my body and said so repeatedly but the surgeons decided to start operating anyway. At this point my brain stopped thinking about what the doctor told me and was focused on the most intense pain I had ever felt in my life.
I continued to tell the doctors that I could feel what they were doing and the pain was unbearably intense. The pain became so intense that I was having difficulty breathing. My husband was sitting to the left of my head and kept repeating “breathe, breathe, breathe” which really is the only thing that kept me conscious. I literally thought I was going to die right then, it was so excruciatingly painful.
But then it stopped. I heard my husband yell “It’s a girl!” We had decided not to find out gender in advance so it was a wonderful surprise for us. I looked up and she was being handed over the curtain to us. She was immediately placed on my chest and she started rooting around to nurse.
While I was mesmerized with our beautiful, sweet new daughter I was also trying to listen to the surgeons to hear if any further complications were occurring. Finally we heard it was all over and I was ready to leave the operating room. I don’t know if I have ever been so relieved in my life.
I can’t put into words just how painful and traumatic this experience was for me. The next 24 hours I was still reeling from the intensity of it all and the shock and traumatic impact had not quite settled on me yet.
We were very uncomfortable in the hospital and wanted to go home as soon as possible so after 48 hours we were released. The day after our little nugget arrived, a forest fire broke out on the mountain behind our house (read more about it here). It was all too surreal for us.
I was already starting to experience some dramatic shifts in moods and found myself crying more times that I could count. Everyone said it was normal as my body’s hormones were adjusting.
I cried when I saw my maternity clothes. I cried when I saw the birth kit and birthing pool we had bought for a home birth. I cried when I saw the stack of natural birthing books I had been reading for the last few months.
I cried when I saw the baby book I had started to make with specific pages designated for details and photos of our planned home birth. I cried when I looked at our little nugget and how grateful I was that she was healthy and I had survived. And sometimes I just cried for no reason.
As the days turned into weeks, I continued to struggle with what we had experienced. There were times when I would just sob uncontrollably. Times that I had really ugly thoughts running through my head about hating myself and my life. It was scary. I had never experienced thoughts like that before and I was freaked out.
I was so freaked out I couldn’t really tell anyone what was going through my head. I was so mortified about my unstable emotional state that I couldn’t even tell my husband or mom how awful it was.
Being a licensed clinical social worker, I knew this was not normal. I knew this was beyond the normal initial hormonal adjustment phase all new mamas go through. I tried looking up support information on the internet, but every time I tried it was just too emotional for me.
I realized that I was likely suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the hospital experience. I looked up Postpartum Depression (PPD) in some of my birth books and realized that I was also struggling with PPD. Having a traumatic birth experience and a birth experience different than you had planned/hoped for are two major factors that can lead to PPD.
One day a few weeks after our little nugget arrived and the first rounds of family had left town, I read that the birth resource center in town, The Lotus Project, was having a new mama’s gathering so I forced myself to go. I knew I had to get out of the house and find some support.
I managed to get myself dressed, packed up our little nugget and headed into town. At The Lotus Project I shared about our traumatic birth experience and how I was struggling. I was given several businesses cards for therapists in town who specialized in working with new mamas who were struggling.
It took me a few days, but I finally called the number on one of the cards. I began seeing a therapist in the next few weeks. In the first few sessions I remember crying a lot. But it was healthy. It was a safe place for me to work through my trauma and grief about our birth experience.
I was to return to work not long after I began seeing a therapist but I wasn’t ready. I knew I had to talk to my supervisor and delay my return to work. I have a very difficult time showing weakness so this was a challenging thing for me to do. I went into my supervisor’s office and told her that I was struggling with some trauma and PPD. I told her I was seeing a therapist but I needed more time to heal emotionally.
At the time, I was working as a supervisor of a team of nurses and social workers. I didn’t want them to see me, their supervisor, as weak so I didn’t tell them of my struggles at first even though most of them are mamas and would have understood. I just told them I was going to slowly transition back.
I started regularly going to our local La Leche Leaguemeetings and found a wonderful group of supportive mamas who shared their stories and encouragement with me.
I eventually went back to work, starting out part time and slowly working back to full time. By the end of January I was feeling more emotionally stable and felt like I had made a lot of progress in processing what had happened with our little nugget’s arrival. I could actually talk about it without crying.
But one thing still wasn’t right with me. This whole experience had dramatically changed me as a person. It made me shift my priorities in life.
I realized that I no longer wanted to be a full-time career woman. I didn’t have the drive I did before. I wanted to be home with our little nugget, spending every last minute I could with her since I realized just how precious our lives really are.
I realized that if I didn’t resign from my full time job and stay home with our little nugget, I would forever regret it. So I did it. I quit. I demoted myself to a very part time social worker and started my own business, MontanaSolarCreations.
This spring I came across a book I picked up in a box of books the year before on Freecycle. The book was “Down Came the Rain” by Brooke Shields where she shared about her struggles with PPD. When I first got the book I stuck it on my bookshelf thinking it would be an interesting read, never realizing just how helpful it would become to me in the future.
“Down Came the Rain” is a powerful book and I highly recommend it. Brooke Shields was very bold and honest in her writing, more so than I have been here. So many things she wrote about thinking and feeling really resonated with me.
To read that someone else like Brooke Shields felt similarly after her daughter was born gave me the confidence to share my story with you.
I always try to find the meaning in the challenges I face in life. As I think about the events that unfolded one year ago today, I still struggle with finding the meaning and the “why” in what happened. Maybe it was what was meant to be to shift my path in life to where I am at now; the catalyst in my “Metamorphosis”.
Before our little nugget arrived, never in a million years would I have thought that I would find myself being a primarily stay at home mama. But here I am, sharing our story with you.
So if you or someone you know is struggling to cope with a traumatic birth, PTSD, or Postpartum Depression know you are not alone and find courage to get help.
There is a wealth of information out on the internet but here is a list of a few of the resources you can contact:
http://www.thelotusprojectmt.org/
It has been a challenging year but every day we are moving forward in our healing journey.
Happy 1st birthday Little Nugget!
Happy 1st birthday Little Nugget!
***If you enjoyed reading this post, please join our other regular readers and subscribe to this blog by clicking here. We are so grateful to our regular readers and feel so blessed, thank you all!
Please note that MontanaSolarCreations is a participant in the Amazon Affiliate Advertising Program so our family receives a small income when any of our readers make a purchase through amazon.com when linking from our website.
♥ Thank you for sharing.
PTSD is SO incredibly hard to deal with. Each person has such a different experience, it’s hard not to feel alone, even knowing others suffer too.
It’s wonderful you’re doing better and here’s to never returning to the dark. ♥
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words :)It has been a long and rocky healing journey and I too hope I never return to the dark and hope this post helps others out there get the help they need.
Thank you for sharing! It is great to have a platform to share your story and help other moms out there! Glad your nugget is 1 and at the end of the day, you are both there for each other!
Thanks Brittney
We’re actually going to go make some homemade ice cream and celebrate the day!
Thank you for sharing! Many hugs to you!
Thank you
I was hesitant to share such a personal story but glad I did, so wonderful to feel supported!
I’m so glad that you shared your story with us. By writing about it, and talking about it, you’ll begin to heal even more. And, you may never know how many mamas you may help by sharing this.
Sending good vibes your way.
Thank you Emily! That is so true, I hadn’t thought about how healing it is for me to share our story with others.
Thanks for sharing this. I had a somewhat similar birth experience and had just lost my father suddenly three weeks prior. My baby girl just turned one yesterday and she’s napping now in one of the diapers you made for us! I also decided to quit my job and stay home with my baby after becoming uncomfortably aware of how fleeting life really is. I appreciate hearing your story and love that you had such a positive outcome now one year later. Hugs to you!
Thank you Bree
How fun that your baby girl is just one day older than ours! I’m sorry to hear you went through a similar experience with the added grief of losing your father. In her book, Brooke Shields also writes about losing her father shortly before her daughter was born and how much that influenced her struggles with PPD. Happy birthday to your baby girl and sending good thoughts your way too!
This was a very powerful post. Thanks for your courage in sharing it. I hope that I never have to go through something like this but if I ever do, I will know that I have some resources to help.
Thanks Kassie
I too hope you don’t ever have to go through something like this. Looking back I wish I would’ve gotten help even sooner than I did since those first two months were pretty rough. Hopefully by sharing this it will help other mamas get the help they need sooner rather than later.
Glad you and your baby survived. At least your c-section was necessary and you were given your newborn to enjoy the first moments skin to skin. Mine was swaddled up and taken away and brutally washed with toxic j&j then put under hot lights. That was his welcome to this world. And I will never forget my unnatural birth experience either.
Christine, I’m sorry to hear you also had a difficult birth experience. It is amazing to me how many other mamas have unnatural birth stories to share like ours, but once we do start to share we can support each other and start to heal.
I’m really sorry that you had to go such an ordeal! So glad that you were able to get help. Thank you so much for having the courage to share your experience with us!
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your willingness to share your experience with others. I had a horribly traumatic birth experience as well. My guy will be two in a few days and I still am greatly affected by the painful memories. I was “allowed” to “attempt” a vbac but only given 12 hrs before given the tag “failure to progress” and wheeled into surgery. They sedated me due to some sensations of feeling and having a panic attack. My anesthesiologist was horrific, physically forcing my head strait even though I had the urge to vomit, thus wanting to turn my head, that she left bruises on either side of my jaw bones. They sedated me so heavily that my guy was born without my awareness, blue, floppy, and not breathing. They had to intubate him and were able to get him breathing on his own. Since our hospital does not have a nicu and policy states that if they intubate they transport to a hospital 30 mins away. I was able to see him for a few mins, they brought him to my bed in his incubator before the transport. My nurse “had never used” the morphine pump before. By the time she did figure it out it was 30 mins past. My pain was out of control, I was sobbing uncontrolably, and she brought diladed to me only after my mom and hubs got a little irate. I was forced to stay in the hospital for 2 days without seeing my baby. Fortunately after all that my guy was healthy dispite it all and breastfed with the help of a tube and syringe until my milk came in, and still nursing! I appreciate your story and how it spreads acceptance of PTSD and ppd. I don’t know how many people, including my own family and friends who dismissed my feelings and extreme anger because “at least I have a healthy baby” .word to all, that is the most hurtful thing to say to someone grieving their birth ideas.
I’m so sorry to hear you also had a difficult experience and hope you’ve been able to get some support in processing your experience. You made a really good point that people are not very understanding and accepting when a mama expresses such difficult feelings after a birth. I remember the same thing where people would make comments that I should just be grateful we were healthy and made me feel more awful and guilty about having such negative emotions that I really had no control over. Thank you for sharing this with us, I’m hoping that others who read this will have more insight into what us mamas really struggle with and how to better support us!
What a challenging time that must have been. It is wonderful to see that you’re able to put a positive spin on your experience, though. Sometimes it takes trauma like this to help us see what is truly important in life! And what a beautiful thing to be able to share your story and help other women who may be similarily struggling.
Happy 1st birth-day to you and your wee one!
Thanks a lot for sharing…I also had an unexpectedly difficult birth situation and really really hard time transitioning back to work. I am also a social work but it took a college and friend of mine to diagnose my PPD. And I also made the change to stay at home, after a year of suffering with PPD. I hope the more we talk about these kinds of feelings and experiences the less others will have to suffer with PPD. Thanks again for your courageous and beautiful sharing.
Thank you for sharing this, I think sometimes even those of us in the helping profession can miss the signs something like PPD is occurring. One of the things I also struggled with early on was thinking that I could somehow work through it myself because I was a social worker and trained to help people- so I figured I should be able to help myself through it. I think I finally realized that although I have my MSW and am licensed, I didn’t have the skill/experience to work through such intense trauma and grief on my own. So glad that you had some others in your support system help you figure out you were struggling with PPD and hopefully you are at a much better place now
As always, thank you for sharing this. While I have not had these specific struggles as a mom, i have found that no matter what I am facing there are other mom’s out there with the same struggles. We need to be each others support and not be afraid to reach out and talk about our journeys.
On another note, our baby girls now share a birthday. Just 1 year apart!
First off, congrats to you on your baby girl’s arrival- that is so fun they have the same birth day
That is so true that we need to support each other and talk about our struggles. I have been amazed at how supportive everyone has been and it is so healing for us all to share and support each other!
Beautiful!!!!
Thank you Libby! I actually thought about calling you to tell you I posted this, talk about a HUGE step in my healing journey!
Hello Annie!
I’m so proud of you for having the courage to write this post. I know it will help a lot of mamas out there.
You are so brave.
Your little girl is so beautiful. Happy first Birthday to her.
Lots of Love, Taryn
Thank you Taryn! It did take a lot of courage to post this, sometimes I still can’t believe I actually did it but it has been very healing for me.
Thank you for this wonderful post Annie!
What an amazing post. Thank you for sharing this. I found it via the postpartum progress facebook page. I wanted to tell you that there is a facebook group for women who planned homebirths and had to transfer for c-sections (I’m one of them too). It’s an incredibly supportive and healing place. It’s affiliated with the work of Courtney Jarecki at homebirthcesarean.com. Check out the group if you think it would be helpful. It has been wonderfully healing for me, and we would love to have you (It’s just called Homebirth Cesarean).
What an amazing post. I found this via postpartum progress’s facebook page. You have such a mighty heart, mama. I wanted to also tell you about a facebook group for women who planned homebirths and then transferred for cesareans. It’s just called Homebirth Cesarean and is affiliated w/Courtney Jarecki’s work (homebirthcesarean.com). It’s a wonderfully healing corner of the internet, and I have found it to be so vital on my healing journey. If you are interested, we would love to have you. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing about the FB group, I am definitely going to check that out. It would be wonderful to connect with others who have had similar experiences. Although I made a lot of progress in my healing journey, I still struggle at times so the FB group could be a really great ongoing support. Thank you again, I will checking the group out soon
Thank you for sharing. I wish I would have found a support group after my delivery like you were able to go. I know how much it hurts